New Beginings

I remember growing up change was so hard on me. I've always been a sentimental person and that sometimes is my biggest down fall in life. I would always focus on the down side or saddness in a situation. I have since tried to to "over come" this issue.

I find myself now getting ready to start a new journey at my job and you know what they say old habits die hard. I'm so excited for the new challenge and excited for all I am going to learn. But having to leave my friends and my comfort zone is so scary.

I keep thinking about all the memories that of the years in my current job. I not only went through the hardest journey of my life there but I survived it. I met my dearest closest friend there, I reconnected with an old friend there. I worked there when I married the love of my life, I sat at that very desk when I got the greatest phone call of my life telling me we where FINALLY having a baby. My two friends stood there with me as I told my wife. They always cried with me EVERY time I got a no call too (I don't know if I ever told them, or if they even have a clue, but the compassion they showed me that entire two years was amazing. Words alone would never be enough, I might not have made it through without them by my side). I felt our little girl kick sitting at that desk and I was there the day I went into labor. I know it's crazy but that cubical, that desk, and those two friends hold a special place in my heart.

The funny part is I am only moving down two floors but I feel a world of personal change coming my way. I guess in a sense moving on in my job will in a small way help me "move" forward from my last journey. I will never forget the sad journey I traveled to have the joy and blessings I have today but it's okay to start to heal from it.

I don't have a funny Tuna story to share this time. I guess that's just proof that no matter how much we don't always get along we never had to say goodbye to each other either.

Where do Babies come from????

Some days I have the most random thoughts in my head!

When I was little I like most girls thought or should I say believed that babies came from a stork(oddly enough when the stork wasn't making babies he was selling pickles). That one day when I was a grown up this big bird would come and drop and little baby off on my porch and I would be a mommy.

As I grew a little older I started to believe a more "romantic" version of where babies came from. That two people met and fell in love, got married and had a baby.

I remember when my mom had "the talk" with me, I was probably about 12 or 13 years old. She said "sit down, we have to talk" so I sat down. She then went on to say "the birds go tweet tweet and the bees go buzz buzz, but it the birds ever start going buzz and the bees start going tweet don't come home because you will be having a serious issue on your hands"(thinking back this might explain why my sister TT got pregnant at 16 years old)

I was so confused and lost on why she was saying this to me and what she meant by it. I had NO IDEA she was "trying" to have the "sex/baby" talk with me. 

Now that I am a parent I often wonder how we will ever explain to our little girl where babies come from. I guess I feel she shouldn't be told or taught these "fairy tales" But I'm not sure the "truth" is something easy to explain.

Do I tell her some people meet fall in love, get married, and make babies with no issues.
Some people meet, fall in love, and need to have the help of a fertility doctor to make babies. 
Some people have to get eggs from another woman to make a baby.
Some woman have to get donor sperm, and some woman have to trust another woman to carry their baby for them.
And some woman adopt a baby that's in need of a mommy to love them.  
And some people will have no trouble getting pregnant, but some might have to take the long road(however this makes you no less a woman than anyone other woman)

Lucky for me our little girl is only 5 months old so we have a LONG time to come up with what to say.
But I hope no matter what we decide to tell her that in the end she understands that it doesn't matter how you become a mommy or how many child you are blessed with it's just a special and beautiful.I also hope she knows we are only given in life what we can handle(even when we feel we are being trusted WAY to much).

If  3 years ago I "understood"  what I now know to be "the truth" of where babies come from and how hard it can sometimes be to get there. I might have not have been so hard on myself when we were struggling to have a baby.

I guess sometimes our life journey has many lesson for us to learn!

Graduation!

I remember my first day of school like it was yesterday. I was so excited and all dressed up and "ready" for the world ahead of me (little did I know then, what the world had in store for me). A fresh new adventure I was a "big kid" well a kindergartener but at that time I thought  I was a grown up.

I remember waiting at the bus stop with my mom, and sisters (remember my family makes a "scene" out of everything) and I was so excited. The bus pulled up (mind you we missed the kindergartener bus, so I had to ride the bus with BT and all the older kids). I got on and then fear set in as I watched out the window and say my mom and 2 sisters crying.
I'm not talking a few tears I'm talking your BFF just died tears (I think this is the day I started having panic attacks).
When I got to school I remember I approached my teacher (with tears in my eyes) and said "Why don't It ever get to go home" she asked what I meant. I then informed her how hard my mom was crying and how it had to be because I wasn't ever going to see her again. My teacher then showed me the clock and explained how I would be home before lunch time (it was only 1/2 day). At that point I replied "Oh, good cause I don't want to miss my soap"(All My Children, isn't that what all kids watch?)

Before I knew it the year was over and I was "Graduating" I though that was the biggest day of my life.

Then time past so fast and I was "Graduating" from Elementary school and off to Jr./Sr High School

Time didn't always go by fast then, with all the challenges and drama high school brings. But as luck would have it (Thanks to the amazing Mrs. G) I was walking the stage and "Graduating" high school(the first in my family). I remember thinking that high school was the biggest challenge I ever faced.

But out of all those "Graduations" none meant as much to me as when I "Graduated" from my fertility clinic. I knew I would "graduate" each time if I put in the time and work. But when it comes to infertility you can work nonstop with all your heart. Read every book, accept every challenge and there's still no guarantee you will ever "graduate".

Just like in school you meet many people and make friends along the way. I cherish each and every friendship I made along the way. We will always have a bond, like soldiers we together fought a war that we only hoped and prayed to survive. Every time I hear a fellow "soldier" "graduated" my heart fills with joy.

Today one of my closest friends "graduated" and I couldn't be happier for her. I admirer her strength and determination. She has faced more challenges than anyone I've ever met but yet she never let it stop her. It might have slowed her down but she still found a way to move forward. I know we were meant to meet. It was by chance that we happened to meet each other at our clinic and right away I knew she would be someone who would forever be in my life. I wouldn't have "graduated" with out her and her support, and I feel honored to know my daughter will know a woman as strong as her. I'm honored to not only be her friend but to be apart of her journey to her "Happily Ever After".

So to my dear friend Congratulations on you Graduation, this post is dedicated to you and all the woman in the world who some days feel graduation is far out of reach. As long as you don't give up you will cross that stage, one way or another.

It Takes More Than Seeds to Build a Garden!

I remember one day when I was about 13 years old I was watching some home show with my father. They were talking about gardens and my father mentioned about how nice the garden was. To make conversation (I now assume my father never learned/knew about "making conversation") I agreed (to be nice,I really could careless)that it was a nice garden. Some how my dad managed to take that one innocent little statement for so much more than it really was. The next day (side note, my family tends to do everything big) my dad came home from doing some shopping (my parents do this A LOT) with a ton of garden items dirt, rocks, plants, rose bushes everything you could think of if you WANTED to start a garden. I asked my dad what all this stuff was for and he told me "for your garden you wanted"??????
HELLOOOOOO I never said anything except it was a "nice garden". Well since he was the "adult" (I use that term light, my dad is a big kid)  he of course was right.

I spent the WHOLE weekend covered in dirt as I planted "My Garden" under my fathers watch (it did turn out beautiful and always got a ton of compliments from the neighbors). It was the worse weekend ever, or at least as a teenager I believed it was. As an adult I love to plant a garden and I take such pride in the way the beautiful flowers looks and the veggies taste that we grow. I know now that I will treasure that memory forever, especially one day when all I have of my father is memories.

I didn't realize then (hell, I don't even know if it was meant to happen) but there was a lesson learned that weekend and it's one I have to keep learning over and over again. 

Relationships are seeds in our lives and we can't just expect if we plant them they will grow.

We have to shine the sunlight of our smile on them and warm them with our love. We have to water them with tears of joy and sometimes sorrows. But most importantly we have to take the time to stop, take a minute from the craziness of everyday and "smell the flowers" otherwise known as embracing life or the moment.

So be sure to take the moment to help the flowers in your life to grow. Because nothing is more sad than to see a garden that was once so beautiful  and filled with flowers, empty and sad.

It's Trash Night!

Have you ever had someone treat you like trash????

I have, once my sister BT was watching myself and AT. It was summer break so she was stuck with us everyday. She was the WORSE babysitter ever but she was cheap (FREE) and that's my dad's favorite 4-letter word.
Well she was suppose to take us to the public pool(shortly after this my parents had a pool put in). But being that she was lazy she took two large trash can put them on the front porch put us each in one and filled them up with water. We spent the day in those trash cans, she even fed us lunch in there. By the time she let us out (10 minutes before my parents got home from work) we were all prune like (you know wrinkly skinned, like when you would stay in the tub too long when you were little)

But that's not the trash I was talking about!

I'm talking about you try and try to be a good, caring person and yet no matter how much you step up people are always there stepping on you. Well I'm over it I'm over being a door mat and being taken for granted. I just don't understand where along the path in life people forgot "The Golden Rule" treat people how you want to be treated.
Unless of course I'm a total fool and missing the whole point? Maybe people want me to treat them like trash?????

Well that won't work for me because I'm a good person. Maybe at one time it would have, maybe when I was younger and foolish and I believed in and eye for and eye. But now, now I know what it feels like to feel you are being punished for past actions.

See I'm what I like to call an "Infertility Survivor" and for a long time I thought my "Fertility Journey" was given to me as punishment. Then one day after 2 LONG years and 9 WONDERFUL months  I gave birth to the greatest blessing in my life. At that point I realized my journey wasn't a punishment but a growing experience. I was given a chance to know true love and desire, experience unwavering endless friendship, and find myself and my faith. So no I can't treat someone like trash!

All I can do is try and not allow them to break me down or my spirit. Maybe if I try to be there for them then one day they too might have a chance to experience just some of the amazing things I did on my journey. See we are all on a journey some bigger than others some more complex than the next but in the end it's a journey. Its our journey and it's important to us.

So try no to allow yourself to be treated like trash, but more importantly try not to treat others like trash. We might be able to change others, but we can change how they effect us!
 

Losing Things!

We often lose things in everyday life, I once at work thought I lost my pen (favorite pen, even if I didn't realize it until it was gone. But I'm not sure I could have worked without it.) and spent about 20 minutes looking for it. I was literately red and sweaty (about to have a serious panic attack) because I was that upset over it's lost ( note: this wasn't just any pen so it wasn't like I could run to the store and get another. This pen was given to be by a co-worker who picked it up FREE at some event......he LOVED free stuff). So after the 20 minutes I realized it was under the piece of paper right in front of me. At this point I had a headache and needed a nap, lucky the person who gave me the pen was a serious hoarder of free pens and he had a bunch, I took them all. Problem solved!

Another time I thought I "lost" my kitten, well in reality I thought it was stolen by the mean guy who lived up the street. I saw a kitten in his window that look just like mine, so I threw mud at his house (I was 12 years old) to teach him a lesson. He caught me and told my mom, in the end he got his house clean and I still couldn't "find" my kitten.

Come to find out my Aunt got rid of the kitten (placed (stuffed) it in a mail box on her way to work, I pray it found a good home. Today she would have been on the news and going to jail) who mind you I was allergic to but still insisted on having.

To often in life we lose loved ones, some we get a chance to say goodbye and sometimes we don't either was it's never easy. You would think knowing this we would spend more time fostering healthy relationships with each other. Instead of pushing people away or leaving them out of our life.
We lose our way, our mind, and our money to taxes but we still move forward.

I think sometimes the hardest of losses is "losing touch" weather it's with your friends, family, or reality it's never easy. But then sometimes we have to chose to "lose touch" because there is only so much stepping up we can do before we realize we are getting stepped on

I guess in the end we all have a few people we wish we could "stuff in a mail box" until they learned how to be nice. 

So in the end I guess my whole point to this post is to look under the paper and see what's there, because it would be a shame to lose your favorite pen and not have a pen hoarding co-worker to replace it. :)

Can The Car Your Family Drives Impact Your Chilshood??????

So I have a 5 month old baby girl, she is prefect in every way. She is the greatest joy and blessing in my life and I couldn't imagine a life with out her.

We like most families have two cars we have a:
Jeep Patriot and a Chevy Cobolt (2 door)

However due to the "2 door" issue we will be sooner or later buying a new car to replace it with. But what car do we get? Can the car your family drives truly have an impact on your childhood in one way or another? I think it can at least it did on my childhood, I have fond memories of the many different car my family has owned over the years.

Take the "Old School" wagon we once owned you know the one with the side panels.
I remember once when my sister (2nd oldest one, we will call her TT) TT and her husband if I remember correctly where in need of some household items. So we as a family because it's the only way we did things went driving around in hopes of finding items people threw out that could still be of use to them. Yes this may today be known as "garbage picking" however back in the day this was "making one person's trash, your treasure". Anyhow you may be thinking, WHY???? is this a "good" memory well  for 2 reasons.
1) We were together as a family, not doing something everyone would enjoy but none the less we were doing it together.
2) My sister BT (this sister is the 3rd oldest, or middle child) had to use the bathroom, obviously there wasn't one in the car:). And before my dad could get to a bathroom she went in her pants. Myself being the 4th child (or 2nd to youngest) loved to tell on people and did just that. I yelled "Dad, BT peed the car" and if you knew my dad you would know he loves being a smart-ass and he is quick witted with his replies (lucky for me I got that gene) so he in return (without missing a beat replied) "Rub her nose in it, it works with pets". I tried too but she was bigger than me:)! However it's one of my favorite memories from that car.

But one car that holds MOST of our families trips and memories is THE HAPPY BUS!
This was a tan  E Series Ford van from the 80s, it had the two big bench row seats in the back and could seat like 10 people. (one day I will find and put up an actual photo of it)
We would all pile in and go EVERYWHERE together in that van.
My dad had one rule: You MUST be smiling BIG I'm talking check bones up to your eyes and all teeth showing, and waiting outside when he pulled up to get you or else you couldn't get in. But in the van on any given weekend you could find all 4 of my sisters, my self,  my sister TT's husband and her oldest child along with my mom, dad, and Aunt Mary driving around enjoying the day together. Times were simple back then and a little crazy looking back but I feel a little sad knowing our little girl and my wife will never know life in THE HAPPY BUS! I wonder if tomorrow my dad showed up with a new HAPPY BUS if things would feel the way they use to?

For now  I still wonder what car do we get that with any luck will give our child the crazy, funny memories I have of my parents cars?